Let me be clear: I am not writing this blog for anyone other than myself. I don't expect you to want to read about my struggle with depression and the details of my difficult life. This is a personal, private journey (via anonymity) to try to get to happy and hold onto it. It would make logical sense for me to keep this on my hard drive instead of publishing it online. So, why?
There is something about having to explain it all to someone else that forces me to think about it all clearly. As I edit each paragraph of my own writing, which I wouldn't necessarily do in a closed diary, I understand myself a little better. Clicking on "publish" feels like acceptance of facts, and acceptance is release from the burden of denial. Accepting what's going on instead of avoiding it enables me to deal with it. Plus, if you've ever been through depression, you can appreciate the value of even temporary relief granted by handing over the whole ball of wax for a little while, even if only to the Internet Gods.
So before you decide to write me a "who cares, deal with it" comment, remember, I am doing this for myself. If this is dribble to you, go read something else; there's no shortage of reading material on this blog site and the rest of the web. However, I hope it won't be impossible for those who choose to read it to find some value in the story of my digging myself out of this hole. If nothing else, this is proof that you're not the only one who's been here, and hope that there is a way out. If nothing else, remember: this, too, shall pass.
Now, where to start...
I've been through this before. Depression is in my genes, abetted by the rippling effects of a traumatic childhood. Unfortunately, I am predisposed to depression when the stress of my life overwhelms me -- and my life tends to be STRESSFUL. I've got way too much on my plate and no support. I know what I deal with would be difficult even for someone who is not predisposed to depression. But the fact that I am predisposed to depression is something I really, truly don't like about myself.
Because it is internal, not external, my perspective, and, by extension, depression, seem like things I should be able to control by merely choosing to do so. I understand it is a physical, chemical imbalance, but my pride calls me weak if I cannot maintain a threshold for depression that is higher than the level of stress in my life. Depression renders me a weak, damaged, and therefore undesirable person; shame about this predisposition carries those feelings over even to when I am healthy and strong. We all like to believe that we are actively in control of how we choose to deal with our lives - if not of that, then of what? - so that we can pull ourselves up our bootstraps and lift the sagging corners of our mouths whenever necessary. This is the stuff of rich biographies that reflect on the keys to a successful life. So if you get stuck, are you not a failure, either by weakness or poor choice?
Intellectually, I suspect that this expectation of complete control and immunity to depression, in light of real life, especially my real life, is just a tiny bit unfair. I've been told over and over how strong I must be to deal with all that I've been through. No one with that tough survivor mentality likes to admit that he's fallen. Shouldn't survival build that immunity? Doesn't everything that doesn't kill you make you stronger? Shouldn't I just have knocked this issue out by now and been done with it? Indeed, hardship builds walls within us, but the stony exterior that pushes away everything but the crisis at hand is brittle and doesn't hold up well under pressure. Hardship and crisis hurt. They're supposed to.
I know all of this, and yet no one, including me, wants to accept that life is going to knock him on his ass every so often, and that's just the way it's going to be. The fact is that I am strong, but I am still vulnerable to depression. ...Especially when I ignore the warning signs that told me weeks, if not months, earlier that perhaps I should start thinking about doing something about this before I get in too deep.
It doesn't help that I dislike taking prescription medications, or that I have virtually no support system right now. When you don't really like the treatment and help isn't readily available, it's easy to keep riding the downward spiral. Like most of us weak humans, I wait until I am undeniably depressed to get help, by which point I am already asking myself to be a superhero to keep all the juggled balls in my life from crashing down. I've lost sight of the fact that I have something more pressing, and important, to address than any one of those balls.
My big challenges right now are overcoming painful, disabling injuries and related health issues, and the complete lack of a support system. My family and friends are generally unreliable and have been mostly absent from my life since I moved over a year ago. Dealing with health issues has taken so much of my time and energy that I haven't had a chance to meet new people or make new friends, neither of which is an easy task in this new town, anyway. It seems like I am forever in an impossible situation, which reinforces the notion that I don't deserve anything good and will never be happy - gifts from an abusive childhood.
But here's the thing: I want to be happy. I haven't had nearly enough joy in my life. I know I am capable of it. It would be a tragedy to me if I missed my opportunity to have love and (my own) family. I can envision the life I want, which means I am not so deep in depression that I can't even identify what I want (I've been there, too). My ideal (not perfect) life is not mine just for the taking, but I have to address what is in my control and hope that the rest falls into place. Hope is key, but it's too painful to bear in the midst of depression - so depression has got to go. And I do have the ability to do something about that.
If this entry rings familiar to you, please ensure that you get help. Getting help is empowering. Avoidance is easy, but actively seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Search for "depression resources" online, and add the name of the place where you live to find help available locally. The earlier in the process, the better, but it's never too late.
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