It's been a while

Apparently I don't have the dedication to do a regular blog, but since this is for my sole benefit, what the heck. Another entry...

I've snapped out of this pretty fast. I think this was brought on by an undertreated thyroid (I'm hypothyroid), a nasty sinus infection, and - perhaps most of all - sheer exhaustion. I moved long distance for a job a couple of years ago, hit the ground running, and haven't stopped to catch my breath. Lucky I didn't wind up in the hospital.

So, things are much, much better now. Whew. Having been through depression before, I am amazed how quickly I got past this one. Not that my life hasn't taken (another) hit. Not that I don't have to put the pieces back together again.

Being here makes you think long-term about your life. Why you're not where you want to be, how you are where you want to be, where you want to be in the future, etc. You start thinking about the things that so wounded you, and the things that made you happy. I've come to a couple of conclusions:

1. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they deserve your love. And you deserve someone worthy of your love. So do I.

2. The person formerly known as "The One" was not all that person was cracked up to be.

3. Exterior images are largely false in our society.

4. There is a different way of living that is slower, uses less materials and energy, but is so much more productive. Those of us who are not manic are generally happier that way. Remember, life is a journey, not a destination? Or, the journey is the destination. So why do we keep trying to skip it while we create this image of a life we were supposed to live. There's no such thing. Life is an adventure. As it should be.

Ok, enough for now. Maybe I'll remember to update this in a month. Happy New Year to you. I'm optimistic about this one.

Oooh child, things are gonna get easier...

And finally they are. Starting to, at least. I still have a lot to handle, but I don't feel the walls closing in on me. I'm looking forward to being physically healthy soon so I can go catch up with my life again. Still lots of pressure, not quite enough focus, but...I'm not miserable. I've even had happy moments.

Ahhhhh.....

The other side really is greener.

I had forgotten how hard this was...

I had forgotten how hard this is to go through. The lack of sleep, the paralysis, the fear, feeling like you're hanging on by a thin thread... it's awful. On top of that, it seems my thyroid levels are now too high, and thus I constantly feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. Every morning, I've thought there was no possible way I could make it to work.

I went, though. I'm pushing through. I'm starting to tackle the issues I've been avoiding that cause me so much anxiety. I know there's another side because I've been through this before. I don't know that depression is a sign of intelligence so much as recognizing it is. That's the sign of hope.

I wonder if anyone could live with me like this. Of course, if I had some kind of support system, I may never get here again. I need to find that. Really really.

Life's got to get easier.

A sign of intelligence...really?

Ok, so maybe I'm pushing it a little here. I remember reading an article about a study that purportedly showed that depressed people are more realistic and intelligent than people who are not depressed. (Can't find it online tonight) The explanation about why intelligent people suffer from depression made a lot of sense, but...yeah, I think the conclusion is bull, too. Stupid people can become depressed. Hell, my dog has been depressed.

Still, you can't knock the fact that a LOT of famously successful people have had to grapple with depression. The list below came from all of 2 websites, and certainly doesn't cover all. The point is this: depression is not a recipe for failure. It is a health issue that has to be dealt with. People who are prone to depression can be wildly successful...and happy.

So I feel a little better about having to search out and find a shrink, tearfully explain my woes in a nutshell, and go pick up a new Rx here in my new town. In fact, I wish I'd done it sooner. I've been through hell since I got here, and I want to enjoy this place.


Here's the list - not such bad company to keep. If you don't recognize at least a handful of people here, you haven't been paying attention:

Musicians: Adam Ant, Adam Duritz, Billy Corgan, Billy Joel, Brian Wilson, John Denver, Kurt Cobain, Olivia Newton-John, Pete Wentz, Sheryl Crow, Trent Reznor, Malcolm Arnold, Richard Ashcroft, David Banner, Charles Baudelaire, William Blake, Joe Budden, Anthony Callea, Melanie Chisholm (English), Leonard Cohen, River Cuomo, Ian Curtis, Nick Drake, Nelly Furtado, John Frusciante, Carlos Guesaldo, Michael Hutchence, Natalie Imbruglia, Janet Jackson, Daniel Johns, Henry James, Samuel Johnson, Kool Keith, Beyonce Knowles, John Lennon, Oscar Lopez, Gustav Mahler, Brian May, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Morrissey, Sergei Rachmaninoff, Trent Reznor, Hans Rott, Britney Spears, Layne Staley, Elliott Smith, Siegfried Sasson, Robert Schumann, James Taylor, Pyotr Ilyick Tchaikovsky, Jeff Tweedy, Ville Valo, Billy West, Robbie Williams, Hugo Wolf, Thom Yorke

Writers (including philosophers who wrote books): Amy Tan, Anne Rice, J.K. Rowling, Mark Roget (yes, of the thesaurus), Tennessee Williams, Hans Christian Anderson, Machado de Assis, Raymond Chandler, Iris Chang, Agatha Christie, Catherine Cookson, Joseph Conrad, Charles Dickens, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, T.S. Eliot, James Ellroy, Michel Foucault (French philosopher), Stephen Fry, Spalding Gray, Graham Greene, Ernest Hemingway, Margaux Hemingway, Geoffrey Hill, Sarah Kane, Susanna Kaysen, John Keats, Soren Kierkegard, Federico Garcia Lorca, Vladimir Mayakovsky, Guy de Maupassant, Herman Melville, Charlotte Mew, Friedrich Nietzsche, John Stuart Mill, Eugene O’Neill, Gwenyth Paltron, Ryan Phillippe, Janos Pilinszky, Sylvia Plat, Edgar Allen Poe, Rainer Maria Rilke, William Styron, Will Self, Anne Sexton, Leo Tolstoy, Mark Twain, Georg Trackl, Ned Vizzini, Kurt Vonnegut, Virginia Woolf, Elizabeth Wurtzel, William Carlos Williams, Walt Whitman, Evelyn Waugh, David Foster Wallace

Actors / Personalities: Ashley Judd, Brooke Shields, Delta Burke, Dick Cavett, Drew Carey, Emma Thompson, Harrison Ford, Heath Ledger, Hugh Laurie, Jeffrey Sebelia, Jim Carrey, Marie Osmond, Mike Wallace (news), Owen Wilson, Richard Jeni, Rodney Dangerfield, Rosie O’Donnell, Caroline Aherne, Parveen Babi, Maria Bamford, Patty Duke, Kirsten Dunst, Tony Hancock, Andrew Hansen, Elizabeth Hartman, Anne Hathaway, Jung Da Bin, Alan Ladd, Denis Lawson, Paul Merton, Spike Milligan, Billie Oddie, Patton Oswalt, Ronnie O’Sullivan, Charlotte Rampling, Vivian Stanshall, Sarah Silverman, Rod Steiger, Jean Seberg, Catherine Tate, Denise Welch

Directors: Woody Allen, Hideaki Anno, Ingmar Bergman, David Chase, Akira Kurosawa, Lars Von Trier

Politicians: Boris Yeltsin, Diana, Princess of Wales (Great Britain), former Senator Thomas F. Eagleton, Winston Churchill (Great Britain), Claus von Amsberg (Germany), Kjell Magne Bondevik (Norway), Lawton Chiles, Romeo Dallaire (Canada), Doug Duncan, Marcus Epstein, Geoff Gallop, Romain Gary, Abraham Lincoln, George Wilton

Scientists: Buzz Aldrin (astronaut), David Bohm (physicist), Paul Feyerabend, Sir Julian Huxley, Isaac Newton, Robert Oppenheimer, Jim Salinger, Kevin Whitrick, Lewis Wolpert

Athletes: Terry Bradsaw, Robert Enke, Zack Greinke, Eddie Griffin, John Kirwin, Neil Lennon, Bill Pulsipher, Delonte West

Artists: Vincent Van Gogh, Edgar Degas, Paul Gauguin, Francisco de Goya, Ernst Ludwig Kirchner, Henri Matisse, Michelangelo, Joan Miro, Jackson Pollock, Mark Rothko, Brian Sewell (art critic)

Academic: Robert Burton

Others: Paul Getty (British philanthropist), Herbert Hart (British philosopher), William James (American philosopher and psychologist), David Kelly (English weapons and biological warfare expert), Meriwether Lewis (American explorer), Martin Luther (German priest and theologian), Henri Paul (Princess Diana’s chauffeur), T. Boone Pickens, Jr. (oil tycoon), John D. Rockefeller

(sources: depression dot about dot com and wikipedia)

Here We Go Again...

Let me be clear: I am not writing this blog for anyone other than myself. I don't expect you to want to read about my struggle with depression and the details of my difficult life. This is a personal, private journey (via anonymity) to try to get to happy and hold onto it. It would make logical sense for me to keep this on my hard drive instead of publishing it online. So, why?

There is something about having to explain it all to someone else that forces me to think about it all clearly. As I edit each paragraph of my own writing, which I wouldn't necessarily do in a closed diary, I understand myself a little better. Clicking on "publish" feels like acceptance of facts, and acceptance is release from the burden of denial. Accepting what's going on instead of avoiding it enables me to deal with it. Plus, if you've ever been through depression, you can appreciate the value of even temporary relief granted by handing over the whole ball of wax for a little while, even if only to the Internet Gods.

So before you decide to write me a "who cares, deal with it" comment, remember, I am doing this for myself. If this is dribble to you, go read something else; there's no shortage of reading material on this blog site and the rest of the web. However, I hope it won't be impossible for those who choose to read it to find some value in the story of my digging myself out of this hole. If nothing else, this is proof that you're not the only one who's been here, and hope that there is a way out. If nothing else, remember: this, too, shall pass.

Now, where to start...

I've been through this before. Depression is in my genes, abetted by the rippling effects of a traumatic childhood. Unfortunately, I am predisposed to depression when the stress of my life overwhelms me -- and my life tends to be STRESSFUL. I've got way too much on my plate and no support. I know what I deal with would be difficult even for someone who is not predisposed to depression. But the fact that I am predisposed to depression is something I really, truly don't like about myself.

Because it is internal, not external, my perspective, and, by extension, depression, seem like things I should be able to control by merely choosing to do so. I understand it is a physical, chemical imbalance, but my pride calls me weak if I cannot maintain a threshold for depression that is higher than the level of stress in my life. Depression renders me a weak, damaged, and therefore undesirable person; shame about this predisposition carries those feelings over even to when I am healthy and strong. We all like to believe that we are actively in control of how we choose to deal with our lives - if not of that, then of what? - so that we can pull ourselves up our bootstraps and lift the sagging corners of our mouths whenever necessary. This is the stuff of rich biographies that reflect on the keys to a successful life. So if you get stuck, are you not a failure, either by weakness or poor choice?

Intellectually, I suspect that this expectation of complete control and immunity to depression, in light of real life, especially my real life, is just a tiny bit unfair. I've been told over and over how strong I must be to deal with all that I've been through. No one with that tough survivor mentality likes to admit that he's fallen. Shouldn't survival build that immunity? Doesn't everything that doesn't kill you make you stronger? Shouldn't I just have knocked this issue out by now and been done with it? Indeed, hardship builds walls within us, but the stony exterior that pushes away everything but the crisis at hand is brittle and doesn't hold up well under pressure. Hardship and crisis hurt. They're supposed to.

I know all of this, and yet no one, including me, wants to accept that life is going to knock him on his ass every so often, and that's just the way it's going to be. The fact is that I am strong, but I am still vulnerable to depression. ...Especially when I ignore the warning signs that told me weeks, if not months, earlier that perhaps I should start thinking about doing something about this before I get in too deep.

It doesn't help that I dislike taking prescription medications, or that I have virtually no support system right now. When you don't really like the treatment and help isn't readily available, it's easy to keep riding the downward spiral. Like most of us weak humans, I wait until I am undeniably depressed to get help, by which point I am already asking myself to be a superhero to keep all the juggled balls in my life from crashing down. I've lost sight of the fact that I have something more pressing, and important, to address than any one of those balls.

My big challenges right now are overcoming painful, disabling injuries and related health issues, and the complete lack of a support system. My family and friends are generally unreliable and have been mostly absent from my life since I moved over a year ago. Dealing with health issues has taken so much of my time and energy that I haven't had a chance to meet new people or make new friends, neither of which is an easy task in this new town, anyway. It seems like I am forever in an impossible situation, which reinforces the notion that I don't deserve anything good and will never be happy - gifts from an abusive childhood.

But here's the thing: I want to be happy. I haven't had nearly enough joy in my life. I know I am capable of it. It would be a tragedy to me if I missed my opportunity to have love and (my own) family. I can envision the life I want, which means I am not so deep in depression that I can't even identify what I want (I've been there, too). My ideal (not perfect) life is not mine just for the taking, but I have to address what is in my control and hope that the rest falls into place. Hope is key, but it's too painful to bear in the midst of depression - so depression has got to go. And I do have the ability to do something about that.


If this entry rings familiar to you, please ensure that you get help. Getting help is empowering. Avoidance is easy, but actively seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Search for "depression resources" online, and add the name of the place where you live to find help available locally. The earlier in the process, the better, but it's never too late.